How hard the soul

LW Someone Wonderful

Born September 15 1993, died March 14 2009..... at my hands.

And what was left of my soul passed with her passing and the act I committed.

Her favorite phrase during her last days with us was 'SCRATCHES'. With that word she simply stood and waited for every inch of her to be scratched and rubbed as the tickle reflex kicked in and she lipped in shear joy and relief from the pain the cancer was causing.

I have been angry and grief stricken in the past as the llamas have come and gone, and now there is nothing left but numb, down to the deepest place the soul should reside.

And now, I suppose I am in mourning for myself and for the death, I fear, of my soul.

Llama Rescuers

So answer me this riddle dear reader, are people who rescue llamas heroes--- or fools? And of course, when you look at the picture above or any of the thousands upon thousands of pictures of any abused animal splashed across the news media, and the Internet the answer would seem simple.

OF COURSE THEY ARE HEROES!

As you read this, there is anger and angst and frustration and penetrating accusations that will no doubt get me into trouble should anyone from the greater llama community be one of the few if any readers who stumble on my blog, but at this moment I truly do not care. Llama rescue should be a part of every llama breeders committement to the animals they make money from... it just isn't.

Since I have only my experiences with llama rescue to fall back on, I will look at how THAT WORLD has moved in a direction that for me has crossed the fail-safe line. Though actually my involvement with llamas only is not completely true; many of my most recent legal encounters with animal rescue and legal impounds has also included sheep, goats, and horses. No I don't have direct involvement with those animals when they have been seized, but act collaboratively with several formal animal rescue organizations that do. Most common of those is Hooved Animal Rescue of Thurston County [Washington]

I'm the llama guy in that group who is supposed to be able to pull a rabbit out of my hat and find foster homes and eventually adoptive homes for the animals that have been seized. Sometimes you get lucky and the person who used to own the llama actually takes THEM BACK. Once, just once this has happened to me. Bolivian Legend K was taken back by its owner, Hola died after fighting for 45 days to stay alive. The owner was convicted of first degree animal cruelty.

I wander from the point, but here it is in its most raw and unfortunate truth. And just to make the point yes I will use ALL CAPS.

IF YOU ARE AN ANIMAL BREEDER OR JUST A LLAMA OWNER WHO BELIEVES A COMPONENT OF BREEDING OR JUST OWNING LLAMAS IS ALSO RESCUING, THEN BE PREPARED TO BE INUNDATED AND EXPECTED TO CLEAN UP EVERY ONE'S MESSES. BE PREPARED ALSO TO BE LABELLED AS THE PERSON WHO 'DOES RESCUE'.

And if that sounds bitter and angry and resentful, then yes I am bitter and angry and resentful. I resent the fact that a recent article in the Sacramento Bee contacted a well known California llama breeder and among her comments included the fact that she 'doesn't do rescue', she refers people to me. Like I am supposed to solve a problem more than 600 miles away with a wave of a magic wand. But if you read a few other cross link posts I made recently, the local newspaper with help from some people who cared and don't even own llamas did solve!

Once upon a time, people with compassion would step up and take in a llama or two or three, until they were full up, while others would offer financial assistance to real non profit groups and organizations to help. From there it evolved into a world of hand wringing and comments like 'how awful' and 'good for you'. And NOW at least in my limited world, people don't even comment. The whys of it I am sure are as varied as the people who know but have chosen to do nothing, and the economic crisis WE ALL FACE, myself included, certainly is not helping things, but... these animals are not at fault. They just need and want a place to live out their lives with little if any expectations from the humans who only need to provide the most basic minimum of care.

Not all that long ago there was a small group of llamas that were living in less than desirable situation, though the legal authorities would not take any action. The woman who was interested in trying to find new homes for them, though a bit overly aggressive about her methods, was sincere and caring and correct; these animals did not need to live the way they were living and were in fact very much at risk.

Two, count them TWO very, very well known llama owners, breeders, exhibitors and activists in promoting llamas in the Pacific Northwest found the perfect solution for them. They told her to BUY THEM, THEN TRANSPORT THEM AND WE WILL SHOOT THEM!! She fortunately ignored that option, but just barely, and now by the end of this month all of them will have the opportunity to live out their lives homes in Montana. The theory from the two genocide oriented "Rescue Advocates", and I use that term lightly and with great disdain, was these are just throw away llamas and contribute nothing to the 'greater good' of llamas.

But what a great solution. Just think, I could walk out into my pasture right now and with little to no expense of any kind, I could reduce the animals living with me by half. All I would have to do is dig a huge hole and SHOOT 15 llamas. It would reduce my hay and feed bill by more than half, I wouldn't have to worry about the issues of shelter, and vet bills, and shearing time, and toe trimming. I would have more time to play and enjoy the llamas we have bred and bought. My back wouldn't hurt as much daily, my knees and shoulders wouldn't ache constantly from the torn tendons and ligaments repaired in all the joints, and because I wouldn't be doing rescue anymore, wouldn't get the phone calls while working, turning my day from a simple 10 hour work day to a 16 plus day helping to round up llamas standing knee deep in mud next to sheep with lungworms and rotting feet. I wouldn't be getting the call in the middle of the night from the Sheriff department about a llama running loose in the street and could I come help them round them up.

ALL IN ALL MY LIFE WOULD BE SIMPLER.

The most recent large animal seizure in Thurston County was shown on KOMO TV
And on KIRO TV

The video footage barely touches on the horrid conditions the sheep were in. The goats were not much better, and the llamas definitely show the impact of their prolonged neglect.

BUT ALL OF THE LIVING SHEEP AND GOATS NEEDING FOSTER HOMES DURING THE FIRST ROUND OF SEIZURES HAD FOSTER HOMES WITHIN DAYS OF THE IMPOUND.

And the llama community has turned their heads and wrung their hands and the 4 llamas are still living in two horse stalls more than 2 weeks later. They have been triaged diligently, and some folks from the sheep and goat world have offered to take them in as foster and eventual adoptive llamas, but even they haven't followed through.

So on March 12, 2009 unless the owner of these animals either petitions the court for return of the animals, or posts what is often called a 'care bond', these animals will automatically be forfeited and will be available for adoption OR CAN BE EUTHANIZED. I have not known that to happen, but there is absolutely nothing to prevent it short of someone, anyone with a little land, some good fencing, and a willingness to foster these animals from stepping up and taking them in.

I don't expect that anything I do will stop the wave of llama rescue that has overwhelmed the rapidly shrinking base of people willing to help. I don't expect more people to step up, and heaven knows I don't expect any llama association on a national or local level to take an active and agressive approach to llama rescue; ask them and they will tell you in almost one voice 'its not our job'. There is one organization, solid, strong and I am proud to say am a part of that does have a component of its organization that looks at TRYING to best of its ability to help with llama rescue. The Llama Association of North America has a committee called Lama Lifeline I am the prime initial contact point for Lifeline, and will continue to be for now.

But I digress again. For now, these four girls waiting in horse stalls for their final fate only one of whom actually has a name that we know of will continue to wait without a thought or care in the world other than to stay alive. Oh by the way, the llama with a name is Gerry Blossom, the appy faced girl in the slideshow. Her partner in the stall is confirmed to be her daughter, and I have no clue who the other two are; for now they just have numbers on a chart being used to follow their care processes.

Regardless of the outcome for these 4 girls, I will follow through on them. IF someone, anyone steps up to add their gentle caring loving nature to their lives I will trim their toes for free, shear them for free, and guide and coach the new owners for as long as they want on care, and handling.

And if their lives are cut short because no one wants to care for them, I will hold their heads in my lap as they are put to death should it come to that...then I too will be done with llama rescue. It will be too much. I have held way too many llamas in my lap that have died or been euthanized because of real quality of life issues to watch perfectly healthy and happy animals be destroyed because they are just one more mouth to feed.

So answer me this riddle dear reader should there be any, are llama rescuers heroes or fools.....

Yes Virginia there IS a Santa Claus

I have no clue why this grabbed me, and it of course has nothing to do with llamas, but the season is swirling about us, and this year may be the one where the meaning of simplicity in life will require focus of celebration. So without further comment, the original text of the original story of Virginia and Santa Claus. Yes I know TWO posts on the same day, amazing eh?

Yes, Virginia, There is a Santa Claus
By Francis P. Church, first published in The New York Sun in 1897. [See The People’s Almanac, pp. 1358–9.]

We take pleasure in answering thus prominently the communication below, expressing at the same time our great gratification that its faithful author is numbered among the friends of The Sun:

Dear Editor—

I am 8 years old. Some of my little friends say there is no Santa Claus. Papa says, “If you see it in The Sun, it’s so.” Please tell me the truth, is there a Santa Claus?
Virginia O’Hanlon


Virginia, your little friends are wrong. They have been affected by the skepticism of a skeptical age. They do not believe except they see. They think that nothing can be which is not comprehensible by their little minds. All minds, Virginia, whether they be men’s or children’s, are little. In this great universe of ours, man is a mere insect, an ant, in his intellect as compared with the boundless world about him, as measured by the intelligence capable of grasping the whole of truth and knowledge.

Yes, Virginia, there is a Santa Claus. He exists as certainly as love and generosity and devotion exist, and you know that they abound and give to your life its highest beauty and joy. Alas! how dreary would be the world if there were no Santa Claus! It would be as dreary as if there were no Virginias. There would be no childlike faith then, no poetry, no romance to make tolerable this existence. We should have no enjoyment, except in sense and sight. The eternal light with which childhood fills the world would be extinguished.

Not believe in Santa Claus! You might as well not believe in fairies. You might get your papa to hire men to watch in all the chimneys on Christmas eve to catch Santa Claus, but even if you did not see Santa Claus coming down, what would that prove? Nobody sees Santa Claus, but that is no sign that there is no Santa Claus. The most real things in the world are those that neither children nor men can see. Did you ever see fairies dancing on the lawn? Of course not, but that’s no proof that they are not there. Nobody can conceive or imagine all the wonders there are unseen and unseeable in the world.

You tear apart the baby’s rattle and see what makes the noise inside, but there is a veil covering the unseen world which not the strongest man, nor even the united strength of all the strongest men that ever lived could tear apart. Only faith, poetry, love, romance, can push aside that curtain and view and picture the supernal beauty and glory beyond. Is it all real? Ah, Virginia, in all this world there is nothing else real and abiding.

No Santa Claus! Thank God! he lives and lives forever. A thousand years from now, Virginia, nay 10 times 10,000 years from now, he will continue to make glad the heart of childhood.

Llamas NOT for Obama or McCain or Anyone Else Apparently

Everybody it seems does a llamas obama blog mostly I suppose because it just rolls off your tongue. We own llamas, and now we will indeed have a President named Obama, so what better way to share with you what our LLAMAS think about the world of politics as it stands to date.

As you know from my last posting I am commuting of late and have had very little time to much of anything with the llamas the past two weeks.
I leave in the dark and get home in dark with just enough time to go to bed.

BUT.....
On election day I was home relatively early and got to see both speeches
by the major candidates as the results made it clear that Sen Obama was going to be our next President of the United States.

Full video John McCain

Full video Barack Obama

Both speeches were full of powerful emotions and recognized fully the intensity and potential catastrophic impacts the issues facing our nation are and will have on all our lives. I was impressed with Senator McCain's comments, and quite overwhelmed by now President Elect Obama's recognition of the power of the moment, its implications, and the uphill struggle this country will face in the months and years ahead. The single most overlooked phrase in his entire speech came quietly and I am just paraphrasing, but essentially he said the problems particularly with the economy did not happen overnight and would not be solved overnight, maybe not even in ONE TERM OF OFFICE.

Given I still had time on my hands before I had to go to sleep I wandered out to visit briefly with the girls. Those of you that own llamas know that once they have settled down for the night, they tend to take umbrage to being disturbed. First, they have had a busy day eating, sleeping, playing, aimlessly wandering around, playing, sleeping, and occasionally wandering into a shelter not only to eat some more, but to prove to me that no matter how much I clean it up, poop happens. Second, its nightime and after an exhausting day all they want to do is hunker down and sleep. It is also a rare thing for us to invade their lives after dark, which means we have disrupted their routine, and disrupting the routine of llamas is and act of sacrilege.

But this was one of those moments in history that requires contemplation and perspective so what better way to gain perspective than to share what is being billed as a major turning point in national, international, and human history with the llamas. After all it will impact them as well right?

They were all hunkered down and calmly watching the rains at night one of a rather significant rain storm, chewing their collective cuds, and giving me looks of disdain for intruding on their night-time routine, but they also were quite obviously aware that I had come to visit with a message of exceptional importance. All eyes and ears were focussed on me, no one jumped up and ran away.

The girls were in their usual groups in the shelters mixed and matched by age. Most of the elder girls gather in 'their' shelter so I that is where I decided to start with sharing the news in order to get the proper elder perspective.

I was amazed at their reactions to the announcement that Obama had won the election. Rachel stood up, turned around and kushed right back in the same place with her back to me. Sunny yawned, chewed on a foot that had an itch, and Tipper sneezed. Most certainly NOT the reaction the rest of the world was having.

So I asked them ok girls who exactly did you want to win the election?
And it was Rachel who looked over her shoulder and spoke for the llamas.
"Oh dear fool', she said, "it really doesn't matter in the scheme of the universe because Earth Abides ." She paused briefly and looked at the roof of the shelter before continuing.

"But since you have asked here's what we all think. You may not know this, but we knew there was an election, our hearing is incredible and while you and Chloe watch TV we hear it, when you are in the pastures talking we listen, so of course we form opinions about what it is you think. Obviously there are some problems in the world that are impacting your existence and so it effects us. The problems right now apparently are LARGE. The bar is set high, very high for anyone who would win this election thing, and as a group we have decided it didn't matter who won. The bar is too high for any magic wand solutions. The worst of it all, and please listen carefully to this, THE PROBLEM NOW THAT OBAMA HAS WON THE ELECTION by a huge overwhelming mandate for change is that the bar, already incredibly high, has just been raised by you, by the media and by President Elect Obama to a height that even I couldn't jump over." And she stopped talking.
Sunny chimed in. "You expect instant results, expect instant gratification, expect instant solutions, expect it all NOW" And she stood up and faced me. "I have watched you use all the technology things that come up and are supposed to make you more connected with the world and make your lives easier and give you more time to enjoy the simple things in life. Well if you haven't noticed, there are no simple things left in life for you humans. You have sucked the simplicity out of your lives, and you don't even know it." She turned away in disgust with me.

And NOW it was Tipper's turn to share the wisdom. "We are NOT llamas for Obama, or llamas for McCain, or even llamas for any one else. You need to understand that we are llamas for llamas. Not for any of the constructs you want us to have, but for our own. Your problems are by side note our problems, but what Obama does or doesn't do isn't going to make our lives noticably better, or simpler, it will just be one more thing happening around us, that we have no control over. And in fact it is important to understand that no ONE PERSON can make the kinds of differences in the world that you and the rest of humanity in this country silently and desparately crave." Then she walked right up to me and very quietly whispered, "You humans don't even know what it is you want. You are caught in a whirlpool of your own creation, and are being slowly sucked down into the abyss. I know that is not what you hoped to hear from us, but that is what we have seen, and what we think. Relax a bit, smell the rain, stand in it and let yourself get wet to the skin and enjoy it." And with that comment she walked out of the shelter, found a spot in the rain and just kushed to do just that.

I honestly don't know what it all means, don't know what they were trying to tell me, but can tell you for a fact that for the past five days as I watch the news spin and spin and re-spin everything about this election, I am struggling more with the comments made by my llamas. They are wise and magic creatures and when they speak it is important to listen.

I think I will think on this some more...

Autumn Leaves and Moments of Clarity

Last week has indeed been strange and has thrown me into the wonderful world of being A COMMUTER. I was dispatched to work a job in Lake Forest Park Washington. Well actually Kenmore, but that is moot to the subject at hand.

View Larger Map

The actual final round trip mileage is 165 miles. I leave the house at 5:00am and arrive at the job site at 6:30 give or take 5 or 10 minutes. What you have to realize of course is that we actually don't start working until 7:30, BUT this is the I-5 corridor through all of Pierce and King Counties here in my beloved Washington State and were I to leave the house at 6am, the travel time would make it impossible to arrive on time. By proof is my travel time at the end of the day. We generally quit for the day between 3:30 and 4pm. On Wednesday this week the trip home took 2 hours for the same 82 miles. On Thursday the trip took 2 1/2 hours, and on FRIDAY it took me a complete 3 hours to get home. No accidents, no getting off the freeway, no disaster weather, just an obscene volume of traffic that makes it impossible to get anywhere fast. I actually spent more than 2 hours on Friday driving my little Kia Rio in second gear!!!

So that all makes a 40 hour work week expand to 60+ hours and lord help me the day there is actually an accident in either direction on the freeway; everything comes to a dead standstill regardless of which direction the accident is in. Don't know if this is unique to the PNW, but a southbound accident will bring northbound traffic to a dead stop so everyone, and I do mean EVERYONE has an morbidly obscene desire to hopefully catch some real gore laying sprawled across the freeway.

So here's how the day lays out. Up at 4am leave the house at 5am work 8 hours, drive home, arrive home between 6 and 7pm and go to bed at 8pm just to start the whole thing all over again. I get at best a grand total of 2 hours time awake at the end of the day.

What this also means is that Chloe is stuck dealing with ALL of the chores on our little farm. Besides the usual things she does, cooking, cleaning, laundry, and grocery shopping AFTER working a full time job, she needs to feed and water all the animals. She has to keep the fire going [literally] since this is our sole source of heat, and deal with any of the crisis things that happen when you own as many llamas as we do.

I seriously considered finding a place to stay up north in order to avoid the constant driving, but then did the math. The cheapest motel room I could find with even the closest thing to moderately sanitary was 45 dollars a night. Again comes math and money. I get 38 miles to the gallon which means right now with the crash in gasoline prices, it only costs me 7.50 to drive round trip per day. Yes I spend 4 hours minimum on the road, but 45 per night for 5 nights is 18% of my gross earnings for the week. Despite the time spent on the road over a 5 day period I get to keep another 187.00 in my pocket for the 20 hours additional road time. Time may indeed be money and that may not sound like a lot of money to many, but that money saved in one week pays the monthly phone and electric bill. So what's a guy to do but grin and bear it.

Where or where you may ask are the Autumn Leaves and Moments of Clarity? When you are driving down the road travelling between 10 and 20 miles an hour for 1 to 2 hours on the way home, you have lots of time to look around you and unfortunately even more time to think. And given it is now November there is lots of fall color in the mix of alder, maple, sweetgum, cedar, fir and the occasional wild growing apple or cherry or pear tree on the slopes along the freeway. And its quite pretty. Its not the colors that blaze across the higher country of Eastern Washington, but close enough to remind me of my much much younger days on the east coast with fall colors from oak and hickory and ash and elm and birch and willow and maple and any number of other hardwoods that emblazen the natural landscapes of rural east coast communities. And there in lies THE CLARITY. Remember I told you when driving mindlessly your mind is anything but mindless. It makes huge leaps in directions you often are not prepared for.

That was then, this is now and the little moments are all I have. It's all about money and survival, the life I have now is what it is. Harsh economic times on a broader level and even harsher economic times on the home front have forced me to 'go where the work is' in an almost Steinbeck novel way. It's not the Great Depression, but things are bad enough that every action and every decisions starts with 'what's it going to cost'? Not in any grand metaphysical sense of emotions or risks to relationships but in real raw dollars. What price glory has been reduced to a simple what price.

THE CLARITY is that what I have now is quite possibly as good as it will get after all the changes the past two years have brought, and while I have not resigned myself to this life, it certainly has become the way of things. And worst of all is I am getting used to it.
Night work shifts averaging 12-18 hours with some as long as 25 hours, being ready to jump in the car at a moments notice and head off to a job somewhere working for a day here or a week there, often for people who not only don't know your name, but don't want to. Packing meals to go that have to be eaten while you work because the boss de jour doesn't believe that there are rules about meal breaks for a reason becomes the norm. Having to ask permission to use a porta-potty or a bush becomes a way of life, and waiting often for 2 or three hours to get that two minute becomes the rule rather than the exception.

But the bottom line is still always money. There is no pride just the fall if you choose not to take what's given how and when it's given. There are way too many people standing in line behind you to even pause to ask the normal questions about 'work conditions' that might have been a part of my past, and others' pasts.

I still apply for jobs that have some consistency and reliability, but it's to the point now where the numbers of people looking for work is so huge that most employers [even state and local government agencies and school districts] aren't even bothering to send out letters saying thanks but no thanks.

So what started out as simply commuting to make a buck turns into time spent looking at what should be beautiful Autumn Leaves and viola Moments of Clarity.

IT Happens When You Aren't looking

So long ago and yet not, I was 20. Grand and proud and subjecting myself to abuses and experimentations and travels doing things that remain parts of the hauntings of my life now, and I thought all was great with the world.

And then I was 25 with a real job and a real girlfriend with a son and then we married.

I woke up one day at its 30 years later. No children but married to my fourth wife, many many many jobs later and wondering now what happened to my life that once asked not for fame or fortune but simply for fullfillment. It's a new kind of resignation when you realize
that the life you thought you might have filled with children and comfort is now filled with doubts about self and hopes for a quiet happy future.
Who I am now, what I am now, is the sum of what I've done, but attempting to wrap around what it is I have done for 55 years is elusive. Scary to say the least. And that is what happens when you aren't looking. Life Happens when you aren't looking, and it happens even if you are looking.

If this is what a mid-life crisis is all about, I am VERY NOT IMPRESSED.