For the rest of us, it is a self-serving and solipsistic way of sharing with the world what more often than not they really don't give two hoots about; but makes the author feel so much more important because he too has cluttered the Internet with one more piece of what only he considers important. So as not to confuse the reader here, between the two I most decidely fall into the latter category.... which may give you good reason to simply move on to anything more important than this.
Epiphany:
Pronunciation: \i-ˈpi-fə-nē\
Function: noun
Inflected Form(s): plural epiph·a·nies
Etymology: Middle English epiphanie, from Anglo-French, from Late Latin epiphania, from Late Greek, plural, probably alteration of Greek epiphaneia appearance, manifestation, from epiphainein to manifest, from epi- + phainein to show
Date: 14th century
1 : capitalized : January 6 observed as a church festival in commemoration of the coming of the Magi as the first manifestation of Christ to the Gentiles or in the Eastern Church in commemoration of the baptism of Christ
2 : an appearance or manifestation especially of a divine being
3: (1) : a usually sudden manifestation or perception of the essential nature or meaning of something
(2) : an intuitive grasp of reality through something (as an event) usually simple and striking
(3) a : an illuminating discovery, realization, or disclosure
b : a revealing scene or moment
Source: http://www.merriam-webster.com/dictionary/epiphany
And while an epiphany should denote something of substance that brings positive enlightenment to one's perspective and place in the world bringing with it solace and comfort, I suppose in the most literal definition of an epiphany being an intuitive grasp of reality through something (as an event) you could find yourself on the other side of that coin from an event.... and I did.
When I wrote and published my Red Letter Black Letter Blog I fully expected to follow it up with this blog which was going to be about the death of a community, full of finger pointing and self righteous anger at those whose sense of importance blocked and locked out those interested in becoming a part of a community of people with a common love and interest in llamas. I considered naming names, and pointing fingers and telling blow by blow the whole story of how I had tried to rise above the fray and take the high road, only to be pushed and shoved into a what THEY as a community expected of me and nothing else.
It dawned on me (with the passage of just a couple of days) that it was not they alone responsible for this transition of my involvement; it was indeed me. For those who own llamas and are part of the llama communities throughout the country, they see the changes as they are happening and acknowledge the diversity of cultures that exist nationally, regionally and locally and understand the structure of those cultures.
There are names of those within the communities that influence the llama world at all of those levels for good, bad or nothing in between and it really doesn't matter much anymore to me.
It's short story (no really it is) about a person who called me from way too far away for me to help directly, and my attempting to reach out to find someone closer who might be able to assist. It's a story about one person responding by forwarding my request to one of the people who's influence in the national community for better or worse (and I most certainly have an opinion which I choose not to share) to see if they might have a resource available to help. And from there it spiralled into not quite sure what. I asked for a way to contact that local resource from the somewhat unfortunate person in the middle, and it went from bad to worse and I actually just did not care in the least to understand the angst of the person in the middle. (that's the short way of confusing you as a reader, I know, but trust me it's better that way). Short version, the person in the middle got annoyed at whatever communications she was reading between the lines, told me and the person at the other end of what she must have assumed was some sort of power play how irritated she was.... and I told her didn't really care so just take a leap into whatever hole she wanted and I would be more than happy to back-fill it for her, just leave me alone now and forever.
And that was the epiphany; I just didn't and apparently don't care to play in other peoples' sandboxes anymore. I don't care to be scoffed, but turned to when it suits others needs. In fact for the moment at least I don't think I want to play in any sandbox. There is something fundamentally disturbing when your role in a community is defined not by what you do or attempt to do, in TOTAL, but only by what pigeon hole others have walled you into and regardless of what you would like to do build that wall higher and higher if you dare try anything beyond their definition. Be there when and where and how they want you to be, or don't be there at all is an awful mantra to be subjected to.
The llamas in my life help make me complete, and I enjoy and cherish that feeling. There are llamas in other peoples lives and I fully understand they too enjoy and cherish them. And then there are others who have llamas in their lives for their reasons and surround themselves with other llama owners for reasons because of the need to loved and adored and idolized. The two extremes have to exist in order to define a community when one exists or pretends to exist.
For now, I think I will just focus on enjoying my llamas; most certainly in a bubble without what for me used to be a sense of camaraderie with those of similar passions, if for no other reason than that sense of camaraderie I have come to believe existed was as I see it now misplaced.
History is already written as each moment passes and there is no dwelling. What the future brings is written in the clouds and remains as ethereal. And for now I choose to stand aside and enjoy the llamas that bring more to my life than I could ever give to them, or even more importantly than they would ever want from me. Would that people could be that giving without being asked.
And I think this counts as a black letter day. :(
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