IT Happens When You Aren't looking

So long ago and yet not, I was 20. Grand and proud and subjecting myself to abuses and experimentations and travels doing things that remain parts of the hauntings of my life now, and I thought all was great with the world.

And then I was 25 with a real job and a real girlfriend with a son and then we married.

I woke up one day at its 30 years later. No children but married to my fourth wife, many many many jobs later and wondering now what happened to my life that once asked not for fame or fortune but simply for fullfillment. It's a new kind of resignation when you realize
that the life you thought you might have filled with children and comfort is now filled with doubts about self and hopes for a quiet happy future.
Who I am now, what I am now, is the sum of what I've done, but attempting to wrap around what it is I have done for 55 years is elusive. Scary to say the least. And that is what happens when you aren't looking. Life Happens when you aren't looking, and it happens even if you are looking.

If this is what a mid-life crisis is all about, I am VERY NOT IMPRESSED.